tête-à-tête with St. Valentine

Every year the fourteenth day of February is celebrated as the Valentine’s Day. On this day couples express their love for each other by presenting flowers, greeting cards, chocolates, chloro-mints (gifted to those with bad breaths) etc.

I approached the man behind this auspicious day for lovers, fund-raising day for gift shop owners and agonizing day for the rest.

Saint Valentine was a great martyr who sacrificed his life for uniting young lovers. Though we all know about Valentine’s Day but very few know about St. Valentine. A lot has changed since he died. Let’s try to know how he feels ’bout twenty-first century Valentine’s Day.

Wassup mate?

How drust thee call mate. Thou son of a …

Sorry sir. This is an informal interview, so I was just trying to be informal… Sir, I have a request. Can you please speak in normal English. Thee, thou, thy- I find it very confusing.

Okey. I can speak your tongue.

Thank you sir.

Don’t call me sir, call me father. I am a priest.

No thanks. I have a father and I know who he is.

(Looking around and shouting in complete disgust) Who is this idiot? I’m not doing this any more. Thou shalt leave…

Sorry sir… oops! Sorry father. Please father please…

That’s better. Now came the camel under the hill.

What camel? Which hill?

That’s a Hindi proverb. Now came the camel under the hill means- “Ab aya uunt pahad ke niche”. You really are an idiot.

Oh I got it now. Father, there is another proverb in Hindi, “Jaroorat padhne pe gadhe ko bhi baap bulana padhta hai” -When needed call an ass as father. What’s your take on that?

No comments.

Fine. Valentine’s Day is round the corner. You must be excited.

Excited my foot. I was a martyr. I died for a cause and the cause was certainly not for buying red roses and pink cards with that naked winged boy’s picture on it. When Roman Emperor Claudius II issued an edict forbidding all marriages and engagements in the country I defied his unjustified order…

Obviously, after all you were a priest and reading marriage vows is what you do for living…

Ahem… No, not that.

Rome got involved in several bloody wars during that period. So Claudius wanted new soldiers in the army but not many wanted to join army leaving their wives and families…

So what you are saying is you opposed a rule which was made to retain the glory of Rome. And you call yourself a martyr?

Ahhh… don’t interrupt.

Claudius then prohibited all marriages in the country. Romans were not at all happy with this but nobody dared to raise voice against the mighty emperor. I saw the pain in the eyes of young lovers and decided to help them. Whenever lovers thought of marrying, they came to me and I met them afterwards in a secret place, and joined them in the sacrament of matrimony. Secretly of course. But the secret did not stay secret for long. Big-mouthed ladies. How I wish they had legalised gay marriage back then.

Anyway one fine morning I was secretly marrying this couple and then suddenly the emperor’s soldiers came…

Then they beat the shit out of you…

I won’t say that encounter was pleasant in any way.

What happened to that couple?

I don’t know. I was busy saving my own ass. Unfortunately those soldiers were better athletes than me and I was arrested.

While awaiting my sentence in prison, one day jailer Asterious came to me with his blind daughter. I helped her and she fell for me. You must have heard of that clichéd sign-off line “From Your Valentine” -that is what I wrote in my farewell message to her before my execution.

Wait… you said she fell for you then why you had to write a farewell note, that too to her?

♪ Dil to baccha hai ji… Thoda kaccha hai ji… (I have a tender heart… Its deeds are babyish…)

Hmm… So you must be upset with all these ‘moral police’ and ‘Sri Ram Sena’ activists who chastise Valentine’s Day celebration in India. That ‘pink chaddi campaign’ was a smart idea, ain’t it?

‘Pink chaddi campaign’?

I have only heard of ‘Pink Panther 2’ campaign when Aishwarya wore that black low-cut. Aren’t Indian Bahus (daughter-in-laws) supposed to be all shy and covered up in front of their sasurs (father-in-laws)?

Your Big B is a big time tharki (lecher). Since the day he danced in Kajra re with Aish in that low-cut blouse he has gone head-over-heels for her. And at last he brought her home. Btw is Abhishek still in the delusion that Aish married him for his good-looks and non-sense of humor?

Errr… Let’s not talk ’bout that. I’d tell you about ‘pink chaddi campaign’. In 2009, Promod Muthalik, a Sri Ram Sena activist announced an action plan to target couples found dating on February 14. He said “Our activists will go around with a priest, a turmeric stub and a mangalsutra on February 14. If we come across couples being together in public and expressing their love, we will take them to the nearest temple and conduct their marriage.” Then women from all around India started a peaceful protest by sending pink underwear (chaddi) to Muthalik’s office on Valentine’s day. Great idea, what do you think?

What is so great in that idea! Which jerk comes up with these moronic ideas? Bra-color awareness day, Pink-panty valantine’s day…

Those jerks felt amused rather than embarrassed. Who knows, they might have relished those new as well as soiled panties. From peeping-tom to sniffing-tom.

Ahem… Okey moving on- Card companies make a lot of money on Valentine’s Day. Many people suspect that the whole custom of celebrating Valentine’s Day is just a business propaganda. Do you agree?

Absolutely. Have you ever seen any card with my face on it? It’s either that attention-whore Cupid or some funny shapes they call ‘heart’!

Which duffer said that betel leaf shape looks like a heart? Where is the left and right ventricles? What ’bout aorta, inferior and superior vena-cava? No heart looks like that. Not even a chicken heart.

‘Chicken-heart’ was that an intended pun?

Forget it. What I meant was be-fooling common man has become too easy and some opportunistic people are taking full advantage of it. Some smart-ass thought drawing a heart is too complicated so just draw any crap and named it heart. How many people has seen a real heart anyway?

Anything you want to say to our readers?

Yes.

All the single ladies- DesiNinja is awesome. He is handsomeness personified. You won’t find a better guy than him. If you haven’t proposed to him already then do it ASAP. And remember- whatever Beyonce said is all rubbish. True love needs no ring.

Have a great Valentine’s Day.

=====================

Sources

  • St. Valentine’s history nicked from here.
  • Pink chaddi campaign nicked from wikipedia.
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18 thoughts on “tête-à-tête with St. Valentine

  1. Keep the sniffin toms away from me. Atyant ghinaastic 😛

    And tbh, kehna to nahi chahiye, buzurg aadmi hai, but the Sexy/Sleazy Sam image of Big B has stuck. And again, Plastic Rai seems happier to be B.Sr’s bahu than B.Jr’s patni.. Maajra kya hai? Hmmm…

    Need an investigative report from special correspondent – Podmarbo Bolishki 😛

    Well pointed out one of my major concerns – Who the frak came up with the Shape of the Heart… was it Raj Kapoor?

  2. awesome post buddy…i cant even think ne thing close to this…..i like that part both of ’em started on hindi proverbs and when u added a little polical tinture( spell check)…..

    Good wrk man…..

  3. good writing post. bravo.

    but somehow havent heard about giving ‘chloro-mints (gifted to those with bad breaths)’, LOL. have no idea will it be a good vals day or a disastrous vals day with this kinda gift. 😀

  4. 😀

    i sent her a bottle of wine…was to help the economy as u mst have read glut in the wine industry…too little consumption too much production…hence 😀

    but since you insist i’ll try repeat the act on non calendar marked days also 😛

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